One thing these last two months has driven home to me is that I do not like comfort, nor do I seek it. I'm not advocating a life of turmoil and chaos, but rather a life of challenging growth and discovery. Too often we take refuge in the routine of our lives, seeking a state of homeostasis that makes us feel that we have arrived. Life shouldn't be about racing to the top of the plateau and resting there comfortably until it is over. Life should be a never ending adventure...until it does. I sometimes hate my lack of contentment and am jealous of people who seem blindly content to live the same life day, after day, after day. I ponder a lot whether they have it all figured out and are truly content, or rather, have they just given up? In the end, whatever the answer, I don't think that a life of contentment is for me, and I don't think it is why we are here. The day we stop growing -- mentally, physically, or emotionally -- is the day we've stopped living.
I've never discussed the topic of this blog very openly, outside of family, friends and the others those two groups chose to make fun of me with. Up until a month ago I had a crippling fear of flying. This wasn't a just a simple fear of heights, the act of flying, claustrophobia...no, it was a deep-seeded decision not to fly. For me it was a control issue, and the fact that I could choose to never die in a plane crash. That may sound crazy to some...ok to most of you...but it was the "rational" decision I had come to years ago. Letting go, rolling with the punches, just taking what comes are all ideas that don't fit me too well. I have a constant need to be in control, to have a plan and to find the answers, even when they don't exist. Somewhere in this screwed up mind I had rationalized that I was in control of this particular uncontrollable situation. We really have no choice when it comes to our death, but in this case I had chosen not to die via plane crash.
For 33 years I lived with this "successful" triumph over the Grim Reaper. Over the years I had talks with numerous doctors about the issue and none of them felt medications were the answer. It wasn't an anxiety issue that a little Xanax would overcome; no, this was one I'd have to actually change the wiring to correct. At the end of the day it was one of those fears I could easily avoid for a vast majority of the time; I mean really there isn't a need to fly. About five or six years ago, when I really started taking on more consulting opportunities, the fear became an incredible hurdle that cost me some opportunities professionally. It was about this time I knew I had a problem and decided to seek some professional guidance with overcoming this challenge.
In hindsight, it is even more embarrassing now to admit to the fear than it was when I was battling it. I had let something so simple, really so childish, control me and greatly affect my life. I have accomplished a number of things in my life that many people would count as successes, but from a personal standpoint winning this battle with myself ranks pretty high on my list...and that just feels foolish. I "conquered" something that thousands upon thousands of people do hourly. Pathetic, I know, but huge to me. It may sound corny but I feel like shackles have been removed and a completely new door has been opened to me in this adventure of life.
I debated a long time about whether to write this post or not. It's certainly not a subject I'm proud of, but in the end I wrote it to maybe serve as an example. There were a number of things that I discovered during the five-year process of overcoming this fear of flying. I think we all have our fear of flying, that battle within us that unfortunately shapes a major area of our life often in a negative fashion, and a hurdle that, if overcome, would open so many opportunities and life experiences. For some it is a substance abuse issue or other unhealthy addictions, for others a fear of commitment, a pattern of bad choices so we quit making them, the crutch of our upbringing as an excuse for who we are today, a fear of change that forces us to hide behind the excuse of "that's how it's always been done," the fear of inadequacy forcing us to never even try, hiding behind the false assumption of not being smart enough or good enough, the fear of not mattering, the fear of being alone, the fear of facing who we really are...the list is endless and in the end we all have our fear of flying, yours just has a different name.
These fears can all be overcome, but it doesn't happen overnight, and it is a battle against the most worthy opponent you will ever confront, the one you have to face in the mirror every morning. For those of you who have spent time with me you know self-confidence is not something I lack. I don't want this to sound arrogant, but there isn't much I feel I can't do or accomplish if only given the right opportunities. That being said this was something I could not accomplish on my own or by myself. If there is a lesson to be learned and shared it is that there are some challenges in our life that when we truly identify them, we must ask for help from others, because too often we have proven ineffective at overcoming them on our own. It took me a long time to realize this simple little fact.
Too often we flounder at the ends of the spectrum, either we shoulder the load of the world on our own, or we rely on others to do too much for us. For much of our daily lives these solutions may work. They may not be the best solutions, but they work. When it comes to these major life hurdles, your personal fear of flying, these solutions don't work. It takes a complete dedication to change and desire to overcome the obstacle on your part combined with the love, support and guidance of those who serve that role in your life. Over the years I thought I had the dedication to overcome my fear, and I certainly had different support measures in place; however it wasn't until the events of the last couple of months that I saw only some of this was true and that not all of the pieces to this puzzle were in place.
The words coming out of my mouth, for years, were that I wanted to overcome this fear, but in the end I think they were just words and that until they became a true desire and commitment in my heart, which only recently occurred, I was never going to succeed. It wasn't until I truly wanted to end this ridiculous fear that I was able to muster the strength to get past it. I didn't come to these conclusions all on my own, and this is the part where I had to trust others to help me through this process. This might not sound like a big deal, but I'm a control freak and admitting my fears to others has certainly been a big deal and embarrassment to me. Couple that with actually asking others to be a part of the process, and this step was almost as difficult for me to make as actually committing to fly, and ironically, once I did, the flying part didn't seem that bad. The truth is my fear of flying wasn't a fear of flying, it was a fear of not being in control of a situation, and until I could admit that there are just some things I have no control over I was never getting on a plane. This was something I could have never done, never admitted too, and to be quite honest, never would have seen, without the help from others. Once I could let go...even a little...the flying part was a piece of cake.
As I was writing this BLOG post I came upon Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12, during some of my other weekly readings, and it seemed to be the perfect set of verses to illustrate this point.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken.
We need each other to lead a successful, healthy life. The verse says nothing about a husband or wife, a brother or sister, father or mother, mentor or leader, it only says two is better than one and that a friend will be there to help. Too often we don't recognize where that help may come from because we're either struggling against the world alone, or we get caught up in titles and roles we expect people to fulfill. The key to it all, though, is our willingness to open our hearts to others so that they can be there for us when we fall, and more importantly, it takes us being strong enough to admit when we are too weak to shoulder our own burdens. Friendship cannot be a score-keeping venture, or it will be doomed to fail. There will be friends in your life that you will always be "helping up" and there will be friends who always seem to be the one helping pick up your share of the load.
In the end, we need each other, and there are certain aspects of our lives that the only way we will ever get through them is with the help, love and guidance of others. It sounds like such a simple statement but too often we let our need for control, our stubbornness, our pride and our embarrassments in our shortcomings serve as barricades to those people who could help us overcome and succeed at so much more in this life.
I certainly don't have all the answers, and my fear of flying is just one item on a list of "issues" I have. But, the willingness to allow others in my life to help me overcome that fear has changed my life forever and opened so many more doors to exciting opportunities that were previously just wishes and dreams. Can you do the same for your own fear of flying?
