Our Purpose and Hedging Our Bets

Do you ever think about the true purpose of your life? Why are we here, what do you believe, and how those two thoughts shape us everyday? I ponder this all of the time and lose countless hours of sleep over these thoughts. When it comes right down to it, I don't think any of us knows these answers, and I'll go as far as to say that we truly do not even know what lies in our own hearts and minds. We articulate our thoughts and express our emotions on the subject, but how we lead our lives tells such a different story. That may sound like a bold assertion, but bear with me and I'll explain.

If you've read any of my previous posts you know that I believe in God and try to lead a Christian-based life. Furthermore, and out of a need to keep it simple, most people would say they fall into one of three roughly organized groups of people: the group of believers, the group of non-believers and those that just don't know one way or the other. I would offer up, though, that we're all actually various shades of gray of the same group. We try to place ourselves into one of the three groups but then hedge our bets that the other two groups just might be correct.

As Christians, if we truly believed that life in Heaven is our ultimate goal, why do we not live this life solely focused on achieving that goal? We attend church on Sundays (or maybe just major religious holidays), take part in church groups, occasionally volunteer...and call it good. We spend the rest of our time taking care of our selfish needs. We buy nice clothes, drive fancy cars, eat more than our share of food and indulge in habits and behaviors that purely promote our contentment, happiness and comfort. I think it would be impossible to ask all of us to live a life of poverty and servitude, but we don't even feint an effort at leading a Christ-filled life. Do we truly believe??? Or, do we convince ourselves that we believe but then hedge our bets that this might be all there is and attempt to enjoy this life to its fullest, no matter how selfish the practices. We label ourselves as Christians so that if we face ultimate judgment we should be good to pass through the gates...but just in case that judgment never comes you better pass me another beer and the keys to the Benz.

Ironically, most self-professed non-believers play the exact same game. If you truly believed that this was it, that there was nothing beyond this world, then why wouldn't you lead a life completely devoted to self-satisfying behavior? If your actions hold no consequence, within the legal bounds of society, why would you even consider your actions... if it brings you pleasure then just do it. Yet I know a vast number of non-believers who are very honest business owners, giving individuals, compassionate caretakers, devoted spouses, and I have to ask myself why? If you believed nothing you did in this life mattered in the end, why would you take the time to be a good person? Any answer related to the greater good, moral code, the laws of mankind, speaks to some force beyond the here and now and at its core has its roots in some higher power. They may not admit it's the higher power the first group believes in, but it is a higher power. So then we have a group that absolutely claims to not believe in a higher power, but makes many choices in their life like one exists. I would argue they too are hedging their bets. Claiming to not believe in a higher power, but leading a good enough life, that way if that higher power is a forgiving being, they just might cross through those gates as well.

I think the great unknown is a key element to faith, and it is the fear of this unknown that drives our decision-making process. If the answers were clearly black and white we would not need faith, we would just know. I think as humans we are all somewhere along a great sliding scale of "belief." There is no wrong or right belief, because it is how you feel at that moment in time, and it seems to change throughout our lives. That faith can greatly waver for some of the most devout among us, and it can also show the light to some of darkest souls. Personally I struggle, as a believer, to understand why I am here, and if what I am doing serves the greater purpose I believe in, or am I completely looking out for my own earthly satisfactions?

Over the last couple of months I feel like I'm at a fork in the road of life and can't figure out which branch to take. I have recently turned down some opportunities, put some on hold and am in the process of exploring others. In the end I think my biggest problem is the sharp contrasts I exhibit: that of a Type A, ultra-competitive, driven person who at the end of the day has very simple wants and needs. I spend my life trying to position myself so that I can someday enjoy those simple things that really matter to me. How much sense does that make? Why not lead a satisfying, fulfilling life now? There has to be a balance right?

One of my many personal demons is that I am never satisfied, never content and always feel that there must be more, and that I need to be better or at least do better. Portuguese philosopher, Baruch Spinoza, has a famous quote, "All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare." I feel like a hamster in a wheel chasing this difficultly-rare excellence...that probably doesn't exist. Whether it is my obsession with endurance sports, solving a complicated veterinary case or taking on multiple jobs so that I can make more money -- that universal symbol of success (yes, that was sarcastic) -- I never get the feeling that what I have accomplished is "good enough." My constant struggle to fit more in always has me looking to the future, planning the next goal, but never living in the moment and enjoying the adventure. I get so wrapped up in what will be that I never fully grasp the what is now. By most people's accounts I have lead a successful life up to this point; however, my constant internal struggle is whether that successful life has been a purposeful life? In the end will my life have mattered, or will I have merely been another life that just existed? Am I leading a life that truly reflects my beliefs or am I merely hedging my bets that this might be it?

I have always said that if I could do what I love, and believe in what I do, I wouldn't need to make a lot of money. As humans I think this has been proven time and time again when studies reflect that above a certain basic level, more money does not bring more happiness. So why do so many of us sit in jobs that create stress and unhappiness in order to collect a paycheck, so that we can pay for the stuff we accumulate that doesn't bring us any more happiness?

I'm not foolish enough to think there is some perfect path that will allow us to be happy and content all of the time. There has to be some stresses and hurdles in life in order to make the good times good. If everything was always easy, always stress free it would become boring and routine, which I clearly can't handle. That being said, a person should strive for more good times than bad. Professionally I certainly am not in that place. Personally, I often wonder, do I create more artificial struggles for myself at the expense of enjoyment of the good times?

And here I sit, yearning to lead an impactful, meaningful life, but instead I go daily to a job that is not. What is keeping me from taking that leap of faith into a more satisfying professional and personal life? Are the beliefs I profess to hold truly shown in the example of the life I am leading? This blog post will probably fall into the category of rambling thoughts. There isn't an epiphany answer to share, some secret to happiness that I've stumbled upon. No, this was a way for me to put in writing the thoughts that have been constantly swirling in my head, throughout various stages of my life and rather intensely more recently. The thoughts of someone who is well on his way to middle age and still doesn't have a clue what he wants to be when he grows up. Whether you are a believer or not, we should all have the goal of using this life we have been given to its fullest. Every day spent not working towards some loftier goal is a day wasted, never to be lived again. We are here once. That's it. Use it to the fullest to pursue your beliefs and dreams... whatever they may be. The time is now to stop making excuses for all of the hurdles and roadblocks that stand between where you are today and the life you want to lead. The problem is that it takes strength, time, planning and perseverance to make it down that path, and too often it is easier to continue to jump on our little hamster wheels and do the same unhappy thing we've been doing for days, weeks, months and years. Sounds like someone who has it all figured out right? But then why am I joining you on that hamster wheel tomorrow, running around an endless circle? I don't know that answer. I guess I, too, am still an imperfect and flawed work in progress.